Tuesday, September 30, 2003
I'm ending this issue with Antoine right now!!! (Well, just for this blog, it's not like I'm ready to talk to him.). I want a new topic to write about. And it is also my way of showing that whatever he does or say doesn't bother me anymore. I know that I am still a good person (both inside and out). It's time to leave the guilty conscience attitude and start out anew. Monday, September 29, 2003
Again to continue my story about Antoine, lately I have heard rumors that the reason why we are suddenly not into talking terms anymore is that I fell in love with him and he rejected my love and I got hurt (well, that sort of thing). I just laughed it off cause as far as I'm concerned- there is no shed of truth to it. I didn't admit it to the classmate who told me about the rumors that before I considered not talking to him, I actually thought if I harbored feelings of love towards him. I weighed all the possibilities. Antoine was in fact goodlooking that makes it even easier for a person to like him. He has a good family background and is in some ways intelligent. I am more intelligent though (and I could say that with conviction). We've been friends for quite awhile now but the thought of me being in-love with him never crossed my mind. And I'm being so honest about this. Although it could be possible, he simply is not my type.
I don't know what my subconscious reason could be but I didn't try to convince my classmate that the rumors were not true. I thought that whatever explanation I have to offer they would still believe what they choose to believe. So what's the use of explaining? Plus i know that whatever explanations have to offer would just add to further rumors. This incident has gone far, for as far as I'm concerned. I want this to all end. Ending would mean confronting and talking to Antoine, which I am not ready to do yet at this point in time. I know I am being unfair to him but it is better to be civil than to be enemies. I don't know if we still have a chance. I don't know if I want that chance. I don't know.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Lately, me Antoine are not into hanging out. I don't know what happened but I know that the problem was within me... or rather, was or is me. It's not that I don't like his being gay or the idea that he is gay (don't get me wrong here, one of my closest friends is in fact- GAY, and I love his being one). But certain events had transpired between us:
1. I had family problems and Antoine was not the type of friend who could offer help or consolation- HE'S NOT THE SHOULDER TO CRY ON TYPE OF FRIEND.
2. I got so preoccupied with school work while he was on the more relaxed side (so, instead of doing things together- i did my thing while he did nothing).
3. I got pissed off with his irresponsible attitude when he missed one of our exams, managed to schedule a make-up exam, and still got good grades off the subject.
4. I got really fed up with his sending me SMS looking for me almost all the time and waking me up in the middle of my sleep just to ask me about RHINOPLASTY (how vain could you be?).
5. I feel betrayed and I'm sick of his lies.
6. I'm tired of his bestfriend bugging me about what happened between us (me and Antoine).
7. And I'm so pissed with his telling everyone that i'm ignoring him and that I got him so confused and all..
Can't he just respect my decision not to talk or not to spend time with jim for the mean time? Well, as self-centered as he already is, I guess he could not.
Monday, September 15, 2003
It's been a long time since my last post and I thought that this is the time to tell the origin of the title i used for this blog. Its KY JELLY BEANS....ever wondered why it was named such? Well this is a very interesting and intriguing story.
My story start on second week of July, it is the rainy season and as usual our classes got suspended for the afternoon due to the torrential rains. Well, it was a relief for me. I have a lot of backlog readings I have to catch up on. So I thought, this is my chance to at least catch up on the topics i missed and hopefully, if I get done early I would also catch up on lost sleep (the concealer that used to conceal my eye bags are just making them more apparent). Anyway, I went back to school to get the things I left in the library (because I left them there before I went out for lunch). On my way back my friend Antoine had been calling my cell and was looking for me. I answered his call and the make of the conversation was, we planned to study in a nearby cafe since the library would be closed.
So i met Antoine in the cafe just at the groundfloor of my apartment. He had not had his lunch yet so he had his lunch while I was preparing the things I need to study (I usually have a long ceremony before I could start studying): making sure I have my hi-liters, a mirror, a red pen and a ruler.
We were seated in a really nice corner, far from the distractions of people who are coming in to buy something. After 30 mins or so of trying to read things about chronic myelogenous leukemia, Antoine got bored with what he was reading. He asked me to look for his marker in his bag (since his bag was right beside me). So I said "ok" and started looking for it. I checked the frontmost pocket, it wasn't there.... Then I checked the second one...and lo and behold what I got hold of was a half-emptied tube of KY Jelly. Apparently Antoine wasn't lookingso I took it out of the posket and checked if it really was it.
It was confirmed...it was indeed KY Jelly. I got scared. I put it back in and started looking for the marker again. Luckily I found it at last. Could it be? Is Antoine a G__? Is it actually a confirmation of what everyone had been suspecting of him that I as his friend tried to defend him til the very end? Did he deceive me? Or am I just paranoid...? But what purpose does a KY jelly serve to a guy? HELP!!!!! Differential Diagnoses PLEASE!!!!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
I haven't been getting really good sleep lately and I feel bad about it. I am not really the sleepy time of person. I am actually an early riser. But somehow during the past week, I am having trouble getting myself to sleep. I probably have a lot of things on mind, lots of things to do, things to get settled, people to talk to. I don't know. I feel so groggy now. I can't even eat right. What will happen to me? One thing I learned about all this:
1. Counting sheep doesn't work.
2. Emptying your mind, ridding your self of worries before going to sleep doesn't work either.
3. Reading before going to bed, doesn't work too.
4. Exhaustion, is not a solution.
5. Eating before goin to sleep, used to work for me, but now...it absolutely failed me.
Help!!!!!!
in blue jeans & high heels
