Wednesday, August 27, 2003
I'm now feeling confused now...because since my last entry, it seems that I just realized that I was still much into Tyler. But last night, he walked me home, but somehow, I didn't feel a thing. Not even attraction, interest or anything. Well, I hope I'm feeling well...But this time I know I am.Tuesday, August 26, 2003
I'm sad about something I shouldn't even feel sad about. It's because of this guy named Tyler. We used to go out a year back and we sort of had a dating a relationship (which I though our relationship was). That went on for a couple of months. And I admit that during those times, I really considered having him as a boyfriend. By myself, I started planning about the future, my future with Tyler. However everything started to change after sometime. No more phone calls, no more sweet SMS messages with promises of forever, no more mushy emails with "I miss you" & "I can't stop thinking of you". They're all gone. And with that, he's gone too without a trace.
I asked my friends, "What's make a guy be so into a girl one moment and then all of a sudden lose interest in her?" In short, I was asking myself: 'what could have I done?' Well it was funny, nobody could give me a straight answer. They just give me the "it depends" line. How pathetic could it be. How pathetic could I be, thinking about those flaws just because a guy sort of dumped me.
Initially, I was really pathetic. I was like nuts, fault-finding and everything. However, the time came (at last) when I finally accepted the fact that it's over between us. I became comfortable in his presence again. I could talk to him without feeling bitter, I could send him SMS messages without feeling like I was leading him on. We could go out without feeling that he is interested in me or I in him. We were starting to be friends again.
That feeling didn't last long though. Because the other day, I saw Tyler, through my apartment window. He was talking with a girl I haven't seen before...and I don't know what happened but the feelings that I thought were gone started flooding back again. Could it be, that i just managed to mask those feelings from everyone, even me? I just couldn't accept that...not at the moment. I know that I had everything under control, or that's what I thought. I should feel happy for him and at least relieved....but why do I feel JEALOUS. It's so hard to accept but that's what I feel. Is it really over between us? Is it the closure I wanted or longed to see a long time ago? I STILL DON'T KNOW!
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
To continue my story, my "having found my soulmate" feeling only lasted a couple of days. Weekend came and I got stuck at home at starbucks to study for our upcoming exams. I haven's ytold anyone about it yet but I wrote it on paper (just to make sure that I got all the tiny details remembered). Tuesday came (the day of the exam) while I was studying in the library with some friends, one of them showed a picture of a medical mission they had during the summer. When I got hold of the picture, I was shocked to see my soulmate standing right at the middle. So I asked them who he is. And they identified him as Pongkan (short for Pongkan Orange). And they were even wondering why I don't know him since he is the son of one of our teachers. I was so stunned with that news and quite spechless for a moment. How could the guy I considered to be my soulmate turned out to be popular.
I was not happy about those information. How could all the tides suddenly change? The mystery...the suspense...the excitement....they're all gone at that instant.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Ever wondered when or how to when you've finally met your soulmate? I've read some magazine articles about it but after reading them you still haven't found the answers. Last July 4, while visiting a friend in the hospital (with some classmates of mine), i thought that I finally met or saw (at the very least) my soul mate.
My soul mate encounter started when we were in the hospital in my friends room. We were hyped about telling her jokes and stories when suddenly, some of the hospital residents came in to look at her. About 3 of them came in so we had give them room for their examination. While I was standing blocking the doorway a resident who was very much in a hurry (because he's late) abruptly opened the door and hit my arm in the process. I didn't react at first but he probably saw my grimace of pain (because he was overly apologetic after that). I said it was okay and he went with the residents who went ahead of him. We continued our chat about our upcoming exams and as the residents were leaving we stopped our chat (to again move and give way, since we were blocking the door). He was the last one to leave and before the door closed he mumbled something like "always remember the ____ rule". And he had this lingering smile plastered on his face and I felt like I was smiling back.
He loooks cute and I have no idea who he is.... I'll see him again, that's for sure coz i pass by the hospital quite frequently but I hope it happens before i forget how he actually looks like. And it's what I'm scared of.... i don't want to forget his face at least. Eventhough I still haven't figured out whatever it is he said still I have this feeling something that is hard to explain and something that makes me look forward to my days here in school.
Monday, August 11, 2003
A couple of months ago, I was introduced into this blog thing by a classmate of mine and I thaught it cool to have my own. I started my first one during the summerbreak and it basically contained prose and quotes I've collected since I was in gradeschool. I haven't done a lot of writing lately but my last project was a newsletter which is now in its final stage of editting. I just hope that this new blog would turn out better than the first one and I hope that it would contain more of my works than things I have just collected. Although this blog would contain stories, I assure everyone that those things really happened (eventhough not to me at least to someone I know and that I have actually witnessed it). in blue jeans & high heels
